Oh the Virality! Instagram Gave Implied Oral Consent…

Good news for shitologists everywhere…

Via the legal reach-around (the fine print), Instagram photo app gave shitmove.com exclusive rights to place their product anywhere we fucking want to, at any time, for any reason or profit.

So when we found this little B-grade mash-up on the intranet, we thought it would be a fitting first image for a planned series we call “Pics with Dics”.

Heil Instagram

Everyone squeeze together and say Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei!

We would write more but we have to go post this on Facebook.  There is no conflict of interest here so stop sniffing around.

Don’t tell us you need context… Dammit fools: Click here.

A Veritable Preponderance of Obvious Shit Part 1

Here at shitmove.com, we’re occasionally tasked with making tight calls on whether an action is shitty or not.  We convene our panel of representative judges, we behold, reflect, consider.  We render.  It’s a big fat process that takes time and red tape and more titty twisters than we originally expected.  And while none of it is logically complicated for the smart set, there’s a gang of persistent noisemakers who always gum up the works.  It’s what we get for trying to reflect reality in our pool of judges.  So even in the most clear-cut case of shit, there’s always lively debate, hair pulling and other innuendo-laced corporeal punishments to dole out to dissenting judges.  In these dog days of summer, that’s a lot of work.   In fact, too much.

<sigh>

In the Interest of Postponing Fisticuffs…

Typical judge-on-judge violence behind shitmove.com’s Warehouse of Momentous Verdicts.

 

Far be it from us, the crackest panel of judges who’ve ever posted verdicts on this site, to hover over the dead patch of grass in left field.  But, as Lead Diatribist and Boss Man Writer, I do feel a course correction is in order this week.  There are a host of small items on my radar that can be put up and shut down as super shitty within but a few minutes and without the wrongheaded deliberation of the dipshit judges on our panel.

My lawyers have asked that I disclaim suchly: In this post, I represent my opinions alone.  I’ll take this opportunity to point out that my opinions are correct.  Also, shitmove.com is entirely responsible for the content of my correct opinions.

Yes, I’ve given our judge-juror-executioners the rest of the summer off (even the “Omaha Six” who have yet to render a single verdict between them and still eye the sky for hints of the Four Horsemen).  From here to mid-September, it’s just me, my dimming intellect and my handle of Gentleman Jack (corporate sponsorship still available).  I‘ll stretch it out nice and easy for you so as not to spook your attention span.

Gentlemen, check your sacks.  Ladies, seek a sack to check.  Is one lower than the other (or lower than the other two)?  Aha: We’ve located the low hanging fruit…

So let me warm up the old Common Decency Machine and lay down some highly uncontroversial basics for daily living in modern civil society.  I think we can all agree on a few building blocks of decency in order to get along in this old world of ours, yet nary a day passes that doesn’t swing my shitdar south (or, in the case of Marriage Equality –> South).  Perhaps a few of our neighbors need to have their noses rubbed all up in it.  I charge you, dear readers (all 6 billion of you as of 1:33pm EST today): Spread this shit to the far corners.  Let’s get that last billion.  Tell a neighbor, tell a friend:  Knock this shit off.

I know, I know: I’m preaching to the Coolest Choir in the Tri-State Area.  But your dumbass cousins and double-chinned druncles need a stern talkin’-to.

Shit that Happens Every Day

Elevator Assholery

I grew up in a place where I was more likely to ride a grain elevator than a people elevator.  Yet I was schooled early, and with conscientious reason, on elevator etiquette.  The first rule?  Reasonable shit-snipers everywhere will join with me here: Yield to people exiting the elevator.  That’s it.  Even more important than “No Kicking Other Riders in the Shins” and “No Fucking Farting”.  If you’re exiting on a floor where someone else is entering, you go first.  If you’re trying to enter when someone’s exiting, wait your fucking turn.  And don’t act like you forgot—that’s just a tell-tale sign of self-absorption, which earns you exactly zero Anti-Shit points.

We put this one in the Logetiquette 3000 and look what came out (there may have been a 5-year-old stuck in there too):

Problemata #1

Which invariably results in…

Compound #1

Don’t even get me started on the double burden of being gifted with both intelligence and killer powers of art.

Thanks to these master visual aids, it appears fairly obvious: When you enter an elevator, you stand in front of people who are already there.  If these people want to leave, they must then either dry hump or touch tips with you as they try to exit.  Not to mention illegitimate rape.  Any of the above is a little too junior high and/or GOP for the office place.  So pay attention and slow your go there oh Hustlers of Commerce, oh Collectors of the Friday-is-Jeans-Day-If-You-Pay-Us-Two-Dollars Debt.  Janelle from accounting can’t even run that fast (in jeans).

Janelle, you get a 14-second head start while we work out this elevator situation. Ready… set… wait, take that packet of Juicy Fruit out of your pocket so it doesn’t weigh you down… and… that’s right, lean into it and… oh–holy fuck she split her jeans. I can literally see her tailbone. This is not good. What do we do? Call HR? Fuck it, I’m skipping lunch.

What you can do to rectify this shitmove when it happens and prevent it from happening again

If this happens to you, you have no other recourse than to light up the entire fucking panel before exiting and make sure this asshole hits every floor on his way up, down or sideways.  If there are more than three others in the elevator, you’ll have to resort to Fletcherizing the offender’s nipples lest you become a shitiot yourself.

A Game of Inches

Scope this shit:

Not quite there, dingleberry.

Look at the space behind this fool.  That’s not enough room for another car!  You parked exactly wrong.  Unless there was a Smart Car, motor- or unicycle (do I smell a juggler?!) parked in that now vacant space when you first got here, this is unacceptable.  I will give you $17,545 if there was any such thing in that space when Mr. or Ms. Condominium pulled in.  Always bet on unacceptable.

If you are parking in public and have the ability to put your bumper right up to the very edge of the legal parking space, you are obligated to do so.  Measure with your meager boner—that’s all the space you get.  This allows for the highest number of Subarus to swing their hot asses in front of or behind you.  Leaving just enough space for no one to park is the most thoughtless kind of shit.  Use your big boy brain and think before just “doing you” all over the place.

Too Big for Your Britches

Similarly, if you drive a vehicle that is too large for you to navigate into a parking spot (SUV, Bad Boy Truck, Hum-Bummer, Crop-Duster or anything with a “No Fear” decal), you are a shitiot.  Your solutions are:

1) Get the fuck off the road (isn’t that why you bought that metal monster anyway—to go off-roading with your bros and/ or hoes?)

2) Buy a machine more befitting to your clunk-ass small motor skills/ big city life.

If, at any point in life, you find yourself in the midst of a 79-point-turn, you’ll want to stop jerking that wheel and simply go home and kill yourself.  Don’t worry, a stretch-limo SUV can be reserved for your funeral with or without hot tub.

Something tells me this is not a library parking lot.

What you can do to rectify these shitmoves when they happen and prevent them from happening again

There’s one solution to both of these shitmoves.  It’s neither difficult nor very illegal.  You must unholster your glock, steady your hand and aim at the offending driver’s right foot.  Aim true and pull the trigger.  You have now successfully hobbled them into the passenger side for the foreseeable future.  Don’t forget to tell them why you shot them, as it would be mere senseless violence if there were no lesson involved.  If you’d like, simply copy and paste this phrase onto a separate piece of paper to have at the ready to hand them after the shooting:

You’ve been shit-sniped!  Please know that I only shot you because you are either too dumb or too rude to comprehend how to live and drive in a decent society.  Now you know.  You are welcome.

Well Would You Look at That?  Just Look at It!

Since I launched into this post all the way up there, 3 shitty things have happened to me.  I fear I’ve tackled a problem that is perhaps untackleable.

Regardless, I trudge on through the shit.  Look for more missives right here next week.  In case your calendar’s already too full of Fun Stuff to do in Early September, get yourself a personalized reminder by liking our Facebook page, following our trail of disappearing ink on Twitter and, as always, you can send an email with all your own funny jokes to shitmoves@gmail.com.

See you all at the Soft-Serv Shit Machine.

This Must Stop, Exclamation Point

Alright mofos.  You all need to stop using exclamation points.  You’ve abused your punctuation privileges and now you’ve ruined it for the whole class.

Before we descend into this business, let’s address the 800 pound elephant and mixed metaphor in the room…  The loyal among you (read as: the only ones we give a dick about) may be wondering where we, the crackest panel of judges, have been these past few months.  You have been deprived of our wit and wisdom.  You have nothing to share with your friends and you’ve decided to stop shaving whatever parts of your body you once shaved.  You watch new Adam Sandler movies and laugh.  You have simply stopped caring.  Yes, yes.  It’s rough and lonely for party people everywhere.

We offer our fiercest defense: We’re busy and shit.  It was Earth Month in there somewhere.  And even though we know every day is Earth Month, half of us liberal zombies volunteered every single day.  The other half followed them around, pointing and laughing.  There have also been two (2) Raptures (an “A” and “B” round).  Not to mention a host of Unforeseen and Barely Believable Maladies, self-inflicted and otherwise.  Among our pool of fine minds, we count four partial lobotomies and three testicle surgeries (two subtractions, one addition) since our last post.  17 judges moved into new apartments, six died in juggling accidents and four got new cats (one of which has already passed into the pulse of a different night thanks to a no-account ferret who has no sense of humor).  For those dearly departed judges, we’ve already spent the requisite six seconds of silence (one per).  The candles are on their way.  They should arrive about the same time as our newly recruited judges, all of whom are 57-year-old widows from Omaha.  We can’t believe they survived both Rapture rounds either (because they all know the second verse to “Amazing Grace”, carry lightly loved tissues and Saltines in their fat-ass purses and own more than one Santa Claus sweater… what do you have to do to get “caught up” these days?).

Turns out Herff Applewhite was right on most everything except the year.

Despite the turmoil and curses we’ve had to suffer from both sides of the aisle, and despite the temporary limit on our numbers, 95 of us did in fact convene in the last week over cookies and juice boxes to render a final judgment on the (over)use of the good old exclamation point.

Verdict

It has been ruled by the biggest, baddest brains in the Tri-City area that 95% of exclamation points are both excessive and excessively shitty.

Vote

89-6 in favor of chilling the fuck out.  Immediately, exclamation point.

Round B Rapturites had to follow this man and suffer the poor math of a backup QB. Turns out Colorado and heaven are separated by more than 5 miles.

Shitum Majorum

For starters, y’all bitches don’t even exclaim.  Very rarely in real life do we encounter audible gasps, hands slapped to foreheads, jaws dropped.  It’s only on Facebook and other fabulous self-expression sites that we see a shit ton of LOLing, ROTFLMAOing and other barfy cuteness.  And this: !!!!!!!!  Way too much!  Of it!

This is fake-o drama.  In real life, we’ve met some of the biggest mopes, people who rarely crack a smile let alone raise their voice above the disdainful monotone of their native register.  Then we get an email from them or see one of their Facebook posts (which we’d been waiting for all day) and it’s riddled with these !!!!!! fucking things, which mean nothing at this point.  And worse: ??!!??!!  OMBallz!

As you sit there appreciating the finer points of this brilliant diatribe, bear in mind that we actually value and love the exclamation point.  This is exactly why we need to take it away from most of you forever and all of you for one week.  You’ve bastardized the only symbol in the English written language that indicates a relative peak.  See that word there, “relative”?  That has meaning.  In order for the exclamation point to have any effect whatsoever, it cannot be used in every sentence.  Or even every other.  It’s tantamount to screaming all the time.  Plus it’s pathetic.  Cloying.  It’s desperation sewn into written rhetoric.

Ixnay on the Itshay

As ever with a group of diverse judges, a handful exercised their right to be wrong and disagreed with the majority.  There were no cogent arguments amongst the dissent, but we’re happy to detail a brief list of rebuttals.

1)      The exclamation point is a way of ‘smiling’ when you write.  Nope.  Shut it.  When it comes to writing things down, your words are a far better indicator of your feelings than simply slapping this shit everywhere: !!!!!  To this exact point, and assuming we want to smile when we write (talk about !?!?!?!?!?), the overuse of the exclamation point detracts from the worth of using it at all.

2)      No one is overusing the exclamation point!  There’s simply more to be excited about!  Not true.  In fact, since the year 1968, 14,781 independent analyses of Things to Be Excited About have shown a steady decline in the very things in question.  Case in point, we offer the below real-life example for your consideration:

A. Hi (person)!

I just had to e-mail you!!  I am looking to take some dance classes, and I came across this link (link to dance classes)!!!  What!??!

Is this the same (person) from (place)!??!

Soo funny how I found this!!

Have a great weekend!

Signed,

(An extremely calm person in real life who gets inordinately excited about small things when it comes to writing an email, for Christ’s sake)

B. We offer no further example because we know you get an email similar to the above at least once a week.

So what’s wrong with Example A?  Aside from the super-abundance of mirth over the fact that this person saw something cra-aa-hazy on the wha wha wha, what the shit’s going on with the excessive exclamation?  This level of excitement simply cannot be sustained.  Go ahead and keep it up there, Chippy.  See if your eyes don’t pop out your skull.  It’s a public health epidemic waiting in the wings.  Nature has a plan for you called survival of the fittest.  Not to mention the fact that the essential message here is obscured rather than enhanced by the excitement.  What’s this email about anyway?  Just a small coincidence that one person who knows another person from one place found them in another.  Fancy that.  If that hits high on your THO scale, wait until you see the end of that rom com you just rented.  You’re in for fucking treat!!!!!!!!

Rank

Of shitty shitty shitmoves, this one ranks a round old 90%.  If you think that’s high, you should try to communicate with someone in twenty years in a world unchecked by the wisdom of shitmove.com.  Allow us to preview a snippet of text for you: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Heeeeelllllllllloooooooooo!!!???WTF???!!!OMG (offstage brain explosion)

This gentleman loves America and hates excessive punctuation… (!)

What if Everyone Used Excessive Punctuation and Exclamation Points All the Time to Convey the Most Mundane and Simple Pieces of Information???!!!  Hunh—what then???????!!!!!!!

Then excess would be the new norm, shouting the new talking and we’d have to find new ways of portraying that winning combination of stupidity and volume when we make noise at each other.  The old ways are working so well—let’s not scare them away.

What can you do to prevent this shitmove from recurring?

We propose a modest and temporary boycott of the exclamation point.  Let not a one fly from your fast fingers for one week.  From today, July 3rd, 2012 until next Tuesday, July 10th, 2012, every time you go to write an exclamation point, you must instead fully write out the words “exclamation point” preceded by a comma.  Applying this to our above example would read as such:

A. Hi (person), exclamation point.

I just had to e-mail you, exclamation point, exclamation point.  I am looking to take some dance classes, and I came across this link (link to dance classes), exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.  What, exclamation point?, excessive question mark, exclamation point.

Is this the same (person) from (place), exclamation point?, excessive question mark, exclamation point.

So (excessive “o”) funny how I found this, exclamation point, exclamation point.

Have a great weekend, exclamation point.

Signed,

(An extremely calm person in real life who gets inordinately excited about small things when it comes to writing an email, holy shit)

The logic here is that if we call attention to how often you dipshits are using exclamation points, you may realize you’ve gone a bit far and sanction yourself to a more moderate level.  Then again you probably won’t.

But Tomorrow’s the 4th of July and I Anticipate Engaging in a Number of Very Exciting Text Conversations about Real-to-Life Zombies and Other Ironic Situations at a My Cousin’s BBQ!!!!!!!!!

Your entitlement to get sloshed on Independence Day is the ideal opportunity to practice restraint.  Post forthcoming on that entitlement piece (insert link to future post, blow their minds).

But I Have to Send Work Emails This Week and I Always Use Exclamation Points and if I Don’t Someone Will Think Something Is Wrong Then I’ll Probably Lose My Job Which Will Only Lead to More Exclamation Points When I Text My Friends and Update My Status with a Million Reasons Why Life’s Not Fair

We guarantee that more people will take you seriously if you chill on the exclamation points.  As for using our little system during work this week… Don’t be candy-ass.  Consider yourself a trend-setter.  It’s far more likely that your co-workers will be doing the same thing because WE’RE NOT SURE IF YOU ALREADY KNEW IT OR NOT BUT EVERYBODY IS READING EVERY WORD WE POST HERE, USUALLY AT LEAST THREE TIMES.  A DAY.  You’ll be in the cool club for sure.

If this is not enough to convince you, consider that 89 of 95 judges (and all of the smart ones) think you’re dead wrong.  They’re upset with you.  And at least one of them has three (3) testicles.

Pre-installation

Don’t forget to share our acid judgments with your friends and re-direct them right here when they ask you how you got so smart.  You can also beat the heat by following our imaginary (mushroom) tip of the day on Twitter @shitmoves and “liking” us big time on the Book What Has Faces at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Shitmovecom/284105101632722

State by State Shit: Where You At?

The 7 Plus 1 Plus 1 Unshitty States/ Districts in “Chronological Cool” Order

Closing out our Series on Sense, here’s a final, state-by-state verdict on marriage equality in these United States.

Massachusetts: Sensible since 2004.   None but your residents can spell you but we certainly can’t smell you because you’re not shitty.

Connecticut: Sensible since 2008.  You flipped the trend on its head.  You’re the suburb that the city imitated (New York that is, who didn’t get hip until last year).

Iowa: Sensible since 2009.  Nice big swinging balls, oh courts of Iowa!  You do realize that you have to travel a thousand miles in any direction to meet another state that agrees with you, right?  And that your northern neighbor threatens to weave hate into their state constitution?  Trend.  Setter.

Vermont: Sensible since 2009.  We knew Ben and Jerry weren’t on a camping trip.  Who brings lube on a camping trip?

New Hampshire: Sensible since 2010.  Live free or die indeed.  Way to say it and spray it.

New York: Sensible since 2011.  Come on, the fashion capital of the world couldn’t hold out that long, could it?  You heard us, Gay Paris.

Washington: Sensible since pretty much yesterday.  The enchanted swoon of this honeymoon could end before it begins.  Washington may pull a California, postponing enactment of the law and placing it on a ballot in November, where it’s anticipated to fail.

Washington, D.C: Sensible since 2009.  Technically, D.C. should slot between Vermont and New Hampshire, but we knocked ‘em down because they’re not a state.  Quiet, oh District!  If you don’t like it, tell Eleanor Norton Holmes to vote on it next time—oh wait…

In late breaking news, Maryland’s House of Delegates read our Feb 13th post on the House floor and decided to rule on the side of sense (that’d be the shitmove side of the aisle).  The Maryland Marriage Equality Bill passed by a narrow 72 – 67 vote (the 67 Delegates who disagreed with equal rights mostly hail from the corner of the state known as the “Neanderthal Triangle”).  Emmett Burnseses asshole puckered as he wept.  This week, the bill hits the State Senate, where it’s expected to pass as it did last year.  It is then expected to go to a referendum vote in November.  While the concept of marriage equality enjoys a slim margin of support among the Maryland voting public, it will be tight.  If you live in the Old Line State, get ready to hear some dumbass old line opposition in the coming months.  In the meantime, Maryland… you get conditional entrance into the Cool Kid Club.  Play it smooth now.  Act like you would have been here earlier but Chris Christie threatened to teabag you into tomorrow.

Two of the four horsewomen of the apocalypse celebrate marriage equality.

The Briefly/ Nearly Unshitty

California and Maine.  Sensible for about four seconds each.  Success as fleeting as it was sweet.  Just don’t suck Washington and Maryland into your shitstorm.

Shitsville

*Note: 75% of our judges live in shitty states.  We’re not picking on your state: It’s picking on itself.*

Ohio.  Four letters, three syllables, eights presidents.  No fags.

Nebraska.  You have to stand out somehow—why not be a Civil Rights leader by being one of the first ten states to sanctify sense and allow adult human beings who love each other to get married?

Rhode Island.  You’d make so many conservative fear-mongers happy.  They’ve been talking about putting gay people on islands for years.

Pennsylvania.  More traffic on your beautiful, historic turnpike from out-of-state wedding guests.  More gay sex in the turnpike bathrooms.

Indiana, Missouri, Illinois, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan.  Wake us when we get out of the Midwest (respect to Iowa).

Alabama, Arkansas, Missouri, Georgia, any state ending in –lina, Florida, Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia.  Wake us up when y’all stop claiming the Confederate Flag stands simply for Southern pride and is not a tribute to racism, violence, and oppression.

Yes, you were listed twice, Missouri.  You’re in a bit of what Druncle Hank would call a “turd on both sides” situation.  We don’t know if you’re in the Midwest or the South or both.  Geographically?  You kinda go both ways.

Aha... that's why Chris Christie is a homophobe.

New Jersey.  You may be struggling to haul your shit to the curb as we speak, but trash day was yesterday.  And Chris Christie… for a big guy you sure can punt the ball down the field.

Arizona, Utah, Colorado and New Mexico.  Four corners, not a lick of sense.

Wyoming, Montana, Dakotas North and South.    We know you already got your 14 citizens together to vote and decided boys kissing boys was against the Man in the Big Sky, but we’ll cut you a square deal: You round up your best aim, we’ll round up ours and we’ll decide this over a skeet-shooting competition.

Delaware.  How about if we can drive the entire length or width of your state in 22 minutes without breaking the speed limit, you stop standing in the way of progress?

West Virginny.  Knock it off.

Alaska.  Brrr.  Sarah Palin.  Rawrrrr.  This state will legally allow you to marry nature itself but gets all flustered when it comes to sanctifying butt sex.

Hawaii.  If you were liberal enough to manufacture a birth certificate for Barack Hussein Obama and keen enough to plant a fake story in the newspaper 51.5 years ago, maybe you can let the perpetual gay honeymooners in your state start having ceremonies there too.  Maybe?

Kansas.  Aw hells no.

Oklahoma.  Isn’t your license plate motto, “Oklahoma is so gay?”  What’s up with that?

Texas.  Remember the interior designer of the Alamo!

Nevada.  “Tip blasting” need not be a term limited to mining methods in the Silver State.

Idaho.  You sure is.

Oregon.  Holy shit.  Let’s just run through a fact or two about Oregon and let our dear readers come up with the joke (seriously, put that funny shit in the comments below).  Here goes… State animal: beaver.  State beverage: milk.  State insect: swallowtail.  Snake River gets hard in the winter but remains slightly bent.  PAC-10 sounds more like a gay club than a conference.  The Columbia Fur District, anyone?  Fucking Oregon.  Your queer ass is in denial.  State morals: confused.

These two ladies would like to go on their honeymoon. What the fuck do you care?

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

This all adds up to one shitty country when it comes to marriage equality.  Sure, there’re pockets of sense here and there.  And sure, there’s a lot to be proud of in America.  But reasonable people must experience a slight whiff of cognitive dissonance when it comes to this issue if they are not working to change the current sad state of affairs.

So what can you do?  Whether you live in a shitty state or not, you can make some noise (at the very least).  If you click here, you can enter your address and find all of your local, state and federal representatives.

Right now, we’re duking it out on a state-by-state level.  Of course, there’s a shortcut to all this madness.  The White House.  Unless and until same-sex marriage is recognized at the Federal level, even couples who enjoy equality in their home state will suffer when filing tax returns and traveling in other states.  So at the very least, write your President today (his name’s Barack Obama).  Then talk to your friends, join marches and protests that show what America and Americans truly stand for, and send the naysayers to shitmove.com for a strong slap of sense.  We’ll go toe-to-toe with any old Joe.  At the state and federal level, every single politician should hear from you.  And because shitmove.com is interested in making this easy for you, here’s a form letter (Logic 101 ) you can lift language from to send to them.  Do it now.

Let’s look forward.  Where will we be on the issue of same-sex marriage in five years?  Ten?  Do you think we’ll have more or less states that have legalized same-sex marriage?  We’re betting at least 20 states will have legalized equality by 2020.

Even the most fearful among you (who most certainly are still reading at this point) will have to admit that this change is coming.  Because girls have been kissing girls on the teevee since 1997 (much love to true pioneer and real person Ellen DeGeneres).  Because your kids are growing up with It Gets Better.  And because sense is experiencing a renaissance in the world of rapid social networking (most of this is attributable to shitmove.com, but not all).

We want your picks for which state will be the slowest to sanctify same-sex marriage.  For our money, we call Mississippi, who will attempt to legislate love until 2040.  Who do you got?

Ixnay on Equalitay

Our crack panel of judges has considered, reflected, judged, reflected again and infused their judgment with exclamation points.  It has been decreed by the only authority that matters: Prohibiting same-sex couples from marrying is a total !shitmove!   

And while our verdict was eventually unanimous, we had to do that whole laborious “critical thinking” thing and hear from initial dissenters.

Before we get to their suspect opposition, please note an update in our vote.  We originally reported a unanimous 101 – 0 verdict.  We failed to realize that one judge had left the table for the promise of something better going on in the next room and therefore should have been counted “not present/ not paying attention.”   So while the final vote was unanimous, it was only so among present judges.  With the one holdout, our verdict is a real squeaker: 100 – 0.  We’ll deal with the holder-outer in a few…

Prior to relenting to the relentless logic of the majority, there were three judges who issued opposite views:

1)      The This-Has-Nothing-To-Do-With-Me Judge

This judge claimed that, but for a slip of the tongue in college, she wasn’t interested in lesbianing (well, except there was also that one crazy dream she had about that chick from the cover of the Whipped Cream album, but…).  She initially abstained, stating that even though she was down with hagging around at parades and such, she would leave the marriage issue for her gay friends to argue.

Best. Album. Cover. Ever.

So the rest of us did what we do.  We lit her neighbor’s house on fire.  We punched her uncle in the throat.  We shaved her sister’s head.  And (of course) we pooled out precious resources and bought a puppy that we then stuffed in a burlap sack and submerged in the clogged and infamous “slop sink” in the back of shitmove.com’s gigantic warehouse.  The Avowed Unlesbian finally relented when we rented a backhoe with intent to remove the ground from under her home.

It seems she isn’t interested in standing idly by while the people and puppies around her suffer for no good reason.  It seems she doesn’t like the prospect of the ground being taken out from under her.

We understand you may be concerned that our actions were a tad extreme.  Too violent?  Not to worry: The puppy was actually a robot.  And to cover all our bases, we checked to make sure the singularity had not yet taken place.  The people?  Um… last time we checked, hair grew back, bruises healed and houses got rebuilt.  All of which are good for the economy.  Shitmove.com: Creating jobs in America since forever.

2)      The Misunderstander

This judge quickly abandoned his arguments when he realized we weren’t discussing a mandatory law that would make everyone have to get gay married.  We calmly assured him that just because other people wanted to sword fight didn’t mean he had to.  After which he chilled the fuck out.

3)      The Civil Unioneer

While a stubborn dissenter, this judge was actually the easiest to debunk.  He claimed that he was for Civil Unions, as they would afford the exact same rights as marriage and therefore be no different in the eyes of the state.  We reminded him that we were only examining what marriage is in minimum legal terms and put the simple question to him: “How would a Civil Union be any different than marriage itself?”  to which he replied, as if he were the one winning a point, “It’s not.”  To which we replied, “Precisely.”  What cause for a distinction would then exist?  None.

And the holdout judge?  When we finally tracked him down, this particular shitiot snarled that the “fucking government should get its fucking greasy snout out of marriage altogether”.   He would have sat still long enough to at least register this sentiment formally but there was a rumor that Ron Paul was farting in the next room—which was apparently a must-see.  Unfortunately for this judge, Ron Paul was actually farting on TV in the next room.  Tricky thing about playing telephone in our warehouse… you tend to lose some words.

Ron Paul shouts to cover up a loud fart.

Despite illustrating with our fingers that one plus one did in fact equal two, and despite the 14 diagrams we drew for him indicating that, whether it should be or not, the government already is involved in marriage, he refused to take a side on the issue.  We went over the same ground put forth in the last post, showing that government weighs in on who should and shouldn’t get married and what benefits follow from that marriage.

We further pointed out that he could use this unbalanced equation (the Equal Rights for Some dilemma) to prove his point about the sloppiness of the fucking government being involved in the first place.  Yet we asked for his vote given the current reality.  And yet he refused to issue an opinion.

So the rest of us did what we do in these situations.  We changed the subject.  We asked him what he’d like to eat for dinner.  He replied that a calzone would do the trick.  But because the rest of us wanted Kung Pao chicken, we told him he’d have to wait until Calzone Day (Wednesday) to eat.  Then we locked him in the water closet, where he presently sits.  Every four hours, we allow him a can of cat food, which, it should be noted, is neither a calzone nor Kung Pao chicken.

But what if everyone simply married the person they loved and—gasp!—somehow got a hold of a child to raise?  Oh yeah.  What if?  We find the echo of this question’s stupidity to be its only reasonable answer.

Tune in next time when we call every state in the Union on its shit.

In the meantime, stop having gay sex long enough to “like” us on Facebook, follow us via email or Twitter @shitmoves and tell your friends they can come on out of the closet too, nude or not.

To give you direct incentive to do so, we turn to a comment forwarded to us by one follower, who most certainly was not plugging a foreign website for rip-off Versace goods and/ or Cialis:

“Unquestionably consider that that you said. Your favourite reason seemed to be on the net the easiest thing to have in mind of. I say to you, I definitely get annoyed whilst folks think about concerns that they just do not recognize about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the top as well as outlined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people can take a signal. Will probably be again to get more. Thanks”

We have indeed controlled to hit the nail upon the top.  We can only hope that people will begin to take a signal.

Marriage Equality Now: 86% Chance You Live in a Shitty State

The issue of marriage equality is at the forefront of our national conscious this week, with movement on multiple legislative and legal fronts.

On Monday, February 13th, Washington State will become the 7th in the Union to legalize same-sex marriage, following that hippie-haven Iowa by just under three years.  (Note: Washington, D.C. also allows gays and lesbians to legally marry but is sooooooo not a state.)

In California on February 7th, the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals ruled 2-1 that Prop 8 is unconstitutional.  The state proposition, which defined marriage as strictly between one man and one woman, had been approved by the most progressive homophobes in the nation in November, 2008.

Delegates in numerous other states either already have introduced or are on the verge of introducing legislation or referendums both for and against marriage equality for gays and lesbians.

For example, Governor Martin O’Malley introduced and testified on behalf of the Maryland Marriage Equality Law before the House of Delegates on Friday, February 10th.  He brought two nice Baptist boys with him to bear witness that they’re down with Civil Rights even if they’re not on the down-low with hot guy-on-guy action.

At shitmove.com, we’re not immune to trends.  We’re interested in staying on the cutting edge of social and political issues (did you see our infamous ferret post?).  So as not to be outdone by a bunch of queer-squeezers and Baptists boys, our Introduciary Committee has put the issue before our crack panel of 101 judges for swift and shit-free evaluation.  As we are the common source for last words, consider this flaming hot national debate resolved once and for.  Well, except for the last little legal part.

Final Verdict Rendered on Same-Sex Marriage

1000% of our judges agree that it is uncontestably and unbelievably shitty to prohibit two consenting adult human beings from marrying each other.  What’s more, all 101 agreed that any state that bans gay marriage is shitty. 

Shitum Majorum

Marriage is a function of the state.  Whether or not you believe it to be more is not germane to this conversation.  It is a fact that marriage carries with it exclusive rights and protections under the law, including a litany of unique benefits in matters regarding taxes, estate planning, social security, Medicare, disability, employment, medical care, death, family, housing, consumer protections and visitation rights.  For a list of these exclusive rights, open a new window and visit: http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage-rights-benefits-30190.html.

Denying any consenting couple the right to marry blocks them from the above rights.  Let’s run it though the Logic Machine:

1) Gay and lesbian citizens pay proportionally equal taxes in this country (actually, they pay more on average because they can’t file joint federal tax returns even if they are legally married: http://money.cnn.com/2011/12/26/pf/taxes/gay_marriage_taxes/index.htm).

2) Marital status provides individuals unique legal benefit (as outlined above).

3) Gay and lesbian couples are not legally allowed to marry in 43 states.

4) 1st conclusion: Gay and lesbian citizens are prohibited from receiving equal benefit under the law (based on numbers 2 and 3).

5) Obligations of citizens residing in a state can only rightly be required if these citizens are represented fully by the state (you might disagree, but we submit for your review the concept of “taxation without representation”).

6) Paying taxes is one obligation of citizens residing in a state.

7) Gay couples should not have to pay taxes (based on numbers 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6).

Now look at numbers 1 and 7.  There’s an issue that requires our attention.  By virtue of the truth-preserving logic above, we’ve arrive at an impasse.

Of course, for this argument to be valid, all of the premises must be true and the subsequent conclusions must be both sound and derived from the premises.  We understand this is more logical foreplay than most people care to engage in and so invite you to challenge this argument in the comments below or by emailing shitmoves@gmail.com.  For those of you who have kept up, you’ll find that you either have to allow that same-sex couples should be exempt from federal taxes or allow them to tie the knot.

If you disagree, you are dumber than…

If you oppose same-sex marriage and have somehow come this far, you may be feeling abused.  You should.  But it’s not the gentle folk at shitmove.com kicking your ass.  It’s logic.

If the gay-haters in this country traded their fear for logic, they’d realize it’s high time to cancel Jesus’s birthday because the gays are here, they’re queer, and they’re totally about to get gay married on your front fucking lawn (you’ll have to take the Santorum sign down for the ceremony unless you want to see a sign weep).

And look, if this all makes you uncomfortable, we invite you to the positive side of shitiocy.  The glass is half full here.  Think about it.  Lots of gay weddings means lots of gay wedding registries at high-end retailers.  Because that’s where they shop.  Imagine the surge in sales of scented candles and apple-tini stemware!  Because that’s what they buy.  Except for the bears.  They like bacon, eggs and beard combs.  But then the twinks like to shave down there, so Gillette should really increase their production despite the bears (though it’s no secret gays of all stripe prefer the feel of a nice hard Schick).  And more lesbian weddings means an increase in registries at Harley- Davidson, a strong uptick for Doc Martens and flannel shirts, and a doomsday rush to the pet store to stock up on catnip.  But then there’s the femmes, who like lipstick and read Glamour…

Fuck.  There’s a lot of variety here.  It’s really hard to categorize a queer.  Since that was fruitless (what–no pun?), we’ll pick up the thread of our argument again.  The point here is in regard to full marriage rights for same-sex couples.  Fuck civil unions.  They’re the same devil by a different name.  “Separate but equal” arguments are not valid here or anywhere.  If logic were not our guide on this front, history would be.  Today, reasonable people scoff and shake their heads sadly at the horrid history and very concept of “separate but equal” when it comes to racial segregation.  As well they should.   But it’s happening again.  This logical dead-end has returned in the public discourse regarding marriage rights.

In the near future, Americans will look back on this time with equal disdain and confusion over the fact that our elected officials codified bigotry that targeted gays and lesbians.  Those who restrict civil liberties for same-sex couples will be seen through the same filter of due scorn we currently use to look upon politicians who opposed equal protection under the law for citizens of color.

Alas, the shitiots of the world are scared.  They have no experience with reason and are disinterested in Civil Rights.  They love only their fear and ignorance.  A prime example of the poverty of their logic comes out of the Maryland debate over the issue.  It won’t exactly shock the shit out of you to learn that, when the topic of marriage equality was introduced in the Maryland House of Delegates, a series of idiotic conflations, hasty generalizations and boner-killing pseudo-logic followed immediately after.  Front and most egregiously center stood erstwhile “gay predator” target and elder statesmen Emmett Burns, who urged a calm, level approach to the subject by revealing dramatic personal experiences with “the gays” from more than 60 years ago.  Yes, never mind the septuagenarian jowls you see here—it appears Emmett used to add fuel to the fire by Burnsing up the flames.

Hot. If not quite ready to trot.

By his recount, he was approached twice in his Mississippi youth by men wanting to teach him the difference between giving and taking.  The level and extremely unemotional circle he draws for himself looks like this (please postpone all critical questions until the vote’s been taken and cue the Droopy Dog voice-over):

1) When I was 12 and 13, two different men asked me to perform some sort of sexual act with their penises.

2) This made me uncomfortable because I did not then, nor do I now, want to do anything sexy with a penis that is not mine.

3) I knew then, as I do now, that having sex with another man was unnatural (no logical premises needed—you quiet your questions!).

4) Therefore, providing equal protection for gay men and women under the law is gross.

5) Did you read number 3?!  I think we can all agree on crystal-clear, unloaded terms like “unnatural”.  I certainly don’t have to detail it here—I was nearly raped!

What the esteemed gentleman fails to realize is that he is a sexual outlier.  He’s entirely too attractive to be judged on the same level as other people.  Have another look-see:

Mmmmmm-hmmmmmm.

He makes guys go gay.  And before you accuse us of blaming the victim, consider that two of our male judges turned on Bravo after just one little peek at Emmett Burns.  Three of our female judges experienced the double bummer of spontaneous combustion before reaching full climax.  And so we relent, allowing for logical exceptions when it comes to Delegate Burns.  We see no reason to hold a standard of reason to anyone in his presence.  Small wonder he didn’t get more offers to “jump off the diving board”.

Good thing this honest and decent and smart man has been in office since 1995.  Good thing he listens to his better angels and baser emotions rather than the arduous implications of critical thought.  We were worried he’d hang his jowls in embarrassment after seeing his argument put into writing.  But you can relax.  We can all relax.  This badass is still beaming and can’t wait to tell you how much he hates gay marriage.  And he’s a shoo-in for re-election.

So if you ever visit the Maryland House of Delegates for an open session and find yourself in the men’s room, remember—narrow stances only lest you trigger a cascade of horrific memories for the gentle delegate from Baltimore County.  And if you happen to see the word “faggot” written on the stall wall, well… we certainly don’t know how it got there.

Tune in throughout the week for more on this topic, including…

Ixnay on the Itshay – Wherein we shame three judges who momentarily went against the majority (The This-Has-Nothing-To-Do-With-Me Judge, The Misunderstander, and the Civil Unioneer).

A Full List of Shitty States Replete with Honorable Mentions

The Big What-If

And…

The Call to Action

There’s more.  So much more.

If you’ve been outed as a shitmove.com fan, get around to the proud part and “like” us on Facebook.  If you’re still in the closet (what with all the cursing), get your shit sent to you secretly via email or follow us on Twitter @shitmoves.  We promise not to tell.

Homeless Welcome. Best of Luck! (What Housing Crisis?)

As lead writer at shitmove.com (no pictures, please), I reserve the right to post random shit that falls in my lap.  For instance, this advert for a modest 2-bedroom rowhouse in Baltimore, MD.  Read through the listing and tell me when it turns the crazy corner for good (hint: Number 4).  Or just skip to the bottom to have the hilarity handed to you.  Oh, and for all you Typo Clubbers out there, this listing is copied verbatim, so don’t email us regarding the difference between plural’s and possessive’s.

DESCRIPTION


 
2BR/1BA Single Family House  

offered at $1,000

Year Built 1880
Sq Footage 912
Bedrooms 2
Bathrooms 1 full, 0 partial
Floors 2
Parking 1 Uncovered spaces
Lot Size 792 sqft
HOA/Maint $1,000 per month

 

   

DESCRIPTION


Open floor plan row home updated three years ago with new pergo floors, ceiling fans, tiled bathroom, dishwasher, disposal, washer, dryer, and furnace updated 2 years ago.Cats only.

Section 8, MBQ, and Baltimore Homeless Welcome.

To apply and qualify please have or bring:
1.) Good Credit Score.
2.) No Evictions.
3.) Collections less than $1,000.00
4.) Income of 3 times the amount of rent in legal form. We need the two (2) most current pay stubs and you must have been employed for at least 2 years with the same employer. If self employed most current Schedule C.
5.) An ENLARGED to 8.5″ x 11″ copy of your drivers licenses or ID of each person over 18.
6.) Must have a personal check or savings or statement to verify bank and send us a copy of the past two statements.
7.) Copy of Social Security Card.
8.) Signed copy of the Directions for Applying Online. Application must be filled out for each individual over the age of 18 whether or not they are on the lease.
9.) $25 application fee for each person over 18 years of age pay with Visa, MasterCard, Check or Money order. No cash accepted for any transactions.
10.) To hold the property bring a security deposit in the amount of the first months rent.

-END OF AD, BEGINNING OF CRACK ANALYSIS-

Here is a partial list of items I find deserving of further unshitty scrutiny:

1) Zero partial baths.  Hmmmm.  I can overlook that.  Reading on…

2) Cats only. I’ll come back to this.

3) Baltimore Homeless Welcome.  What if my homeless address is in Philly?

4) Good Credit Score, No Evictions.  Whew.  I’m still in the running for this prize.  I hope it has a view of the tennis courts.

5) Collections of Less Than $1,000.  I’m gonna go trade Mickey my old Super Nintendo (with 2 working controllers) so I can get my debts down to a manageable $999.98.

6) Income of 3 Times the Amount of Rent in Legal Form.  Define “legal”.  Also: Would you say you’re a “good” arm-wrestler?

7) We need… Whoa, whoa there.  Let’s pause on these two (2) words.  There’s been a narrative shift here that evokes images of a douche bag poking me in the chest.  Prior to this, it was all business.  There was no first person plural about it.  All of a sudden, two dudes roll up on me with baseball bats and start putting the screws to me.  I’m getting more skeptical with every line.

8) …two (2) most current pay stubs and you must have been employed for at least two years with the same employer.  Thank you for clarifying that the form of “two” you used meant the number rather than “too” or “to”.  This restores the formality of the ad.  But let’s talk about having to have been employed for at least two (do they mean the number here or what?!) years with the same employer… this means that President Obama could not have moved in here on inauguration day.  And… there goes our homeless applicants.  Too bad.  This seemed like a chance to get a real leg up.

9) An ENLARGED to 8.5″ by 11″ copy of your drivers licenses or ID of each person over 18.  CAN YOU PLEASE USE THE WORD ENLARGED IN A SENTENCE OR PROVIDE ANOTHER HELPFUL VISUAL?  I’ll leave the plural/ possessive thing alone but I will say, of all the complicated items I need for this kick-ass place, there is no fucking way I’m giving you an enlarged copy of my driverseses licenseseseses.  Prick.

10) To hold the property bring a security deposit in the amount of first months rent.  Why do I feel like, by the time I scrounge up $1000, this hot prop will have been snatched off the market?  Why do I feel like it’s not just the Oxford comma that’s in trouble?  And why do I feel like a “flying comma” should have been placed between the “h” and the “s” in “months”?

11) This last is not written in the listing, but it’s implied…  One last thing is required for you to rent this mansion: A lock of your youngest daughter’s hair.  If you do not have a daughter, must show video proof that you have tried to conceive one for the past five (5) years.  If you have a daughter but she’s uncooperative or bald, she must live in the shed out back.

12) Returning to the “cats only” issue… If I meet all the requirements to rent this place, I am bringing my fucking ferrets with me.  Full.  Stop.

13) Yes, I have all of these things ready to go.  Yes, you can steal my identity.

Alas, it appears that this is a renter’s market.  By which I mean that if you have a rowhome to rent out, you are in a position of command.  All the national facts and figures (and local East Baltimore numbers) back this up.

Lastly, disregard the below formatting fuckups.  Every time I try to fix them, I manage to erase the whole thing.  You win, WordPress text uploader.  You’ve out-thunk me.

Don’t forget to follow the hell out of us on Twitter @shitmoves (we’re slightly bluer over there), “like” the shit out of us on Facebook and get your shit sent straight to you via electronical mails.

     
     
 
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