Homeless Welcome. Best of Luck! (What Housing Crisis?)
February 5, 2012 Leave a comment
As lead writer at shitmove.com (no pictures, please), I reserve the right to post random shit that falls in my lap. For instance, this advert for a modest 2-bedroom rowhouse in Baltimore, MD. Read through the listing and tell me when it turns the crazy corner for good (hint: Number 4). Or just skip to the bottom to have the hilarity handed to you. Oh, and for all you Typo Clubbers out there, this listing is copied verbatim, so don’t email us regarding the difference between plural’s and possessive’s.
|2BR/1BA Single Family House||
offered at $1,000
Open floor plan row home updated three years ago with new pergo floors, ceiling fans, tiled bathroom, dishwasher, disposal, washer, dryer, and furnace updated 2 years ago.Cats only.
Section 8, MBQ, and Baltimore Homeless Welcome.
To apply and qualify please have or bring:
1.) Good Credit Score.
2.) No Evictions.
3.) Collections less than $1,000.00
4.) Income of 3 times the amount of rent in legal form. We need the two (2) most current pay stubs and you must have been employed for at least 2 years with the same employer. If self employed most current Schedule C.
5.) An ENLARGED to 8.5″ x 11″ copy of your drivers licenses or ID of each person over 18.
6.) Must have a personal check or savings or statement to verify bank and send us a copy of the past two statements.
7.) Copy of Social Security Card.
8.) Signed copy of the Directions for Applying Online. Application must be filled out for each individual over the age of 18 whether or not they are on the lease.
9.) $25 application fee for each person over 18 years of age pay with Visa, MasterCard, Check or Money order. No cash accepted for any transactions.
10.) To hold the property bring a security deposit in the amount of the first months rent.
-END OF AD, BEGINNING OF CRACK ANALYSIS-
Here is a partial list of items I find deserving of further unshitty scrutiny:
1) Zero partial baths. Hmmmm. I can overlook that. Reading on…
2) Cats only. I’ll come back to this.
3) Baltimore Homeless Welcome. What if my homeless address is in Philly?
4) Good Credit Score, No Evictions. Whew. I’m still in the running for this prize. I hope it has a view of the tennis courts.
5) Collections of Less Than $1,000. I’m gonna go trade Mickey my old Super Nintendo (with 2 working controllers) so I can get my debts down to a manageable $999.98.
6) Income of 3 Times the Amount of Rent in Legal Form. Define “legal”. Also: Would you say you’re a “good” arm-wrestler?
7) We need… Whoa, whoa there. Let’s pause on these two (2) words. There’s been a narrative shift here that evokes images of a douche bag poking me in the chest. Prior to this, it was all business. There was no first person plural about it. All of a sudden, two dudes roll up on me with baseball bats and start putting the screws to me. I’m getting more skeptical with every line.
8) …two (2) most current pay stubs and you must have been employed for at least two years with the same employer. Thank you for clarifying that the form of “two” you used meant the number rather than “too” or “to”. This restores the formality of the ad. But let’s talk about having to have been employed for at least two (do they mean the number here or what?!) years with the same employer… this means that President Obama could not have moved in here on inauguration day. And… there goes our homeless applicants. Too bad. This seemed like a chance to get a real leg up.
9) An ENLARGED to 8.5″ by 11″ copy of your drivers licenses or ID of each person over 18. CAN YOU PLEASE USE THE WORD ENLARGED IN A SENTENCE OR PROVIDE ANOTHER HELPFUL VISUAL? I’ll leave the plural/ possessive thing alone but I will say, of all the complicated items I need for this kick-ass place, there is no fucking way I’m giving you an enlarged copy of my driverseses licenseseseses. Prick.
10) To hold the property bring a security deposit in the amount of first months rent. Why do I feel like, by the time I scrounge up $1000, this hot prop will have been snatched off the market? Why do I feel like it’s not just the Oxford comma that’s in trouble? And why do I feel like a “flying comma” should have been placed between the “h” and the “s” in “months”?
11) This last is not written in the listing, but it’s implied… One last thing is required for you to rent this mansion: A lock of your youngest daughter’s hair. If you do not have a daughter, must show video proof that you have tried to conceive one for the past five (5) years. If you have a daughter but she’s uncooperative or bald, she must live in the shed out back.
12) Returning to the “cats only” issue… If I meet all the requirements to rent this place, I am bringing my fucking ferrets with me. Full. Stop.
13) Yes, I have all of these things ready to go. Yes, you can steal my identity.
Alas, it appears that this is a renter’s market. By which I mean that if you have a rowhome to rent out, you are in a position of command. All the national facts and figures (and local East Baltimore numbers) back this up.
Lastly, disregard the below formatting fuckups. Every time I try to fix them, I manage to erase the whole thing. You win, WordPress text uploader. You’ve out-thunk me.
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