State by State Shit: Where You At?
February 21, 2012 4 Comments
The 7 Plus 1 Plus 1 Unshitty States/ Districts in “Chronological Cool” Order
Closing out our Series on Sense, here’s a final, state-by-state verdict on marriage equality in these United States.
Massachusetts: Sensible since 2004. None but your residents can spell you but we certainly can’t smell you because you’re not shitty.
Connecticut: Sensible since 2008. You flipped the trend on its head. You’re the suburb that the city imitated (New York that is, who didn’t get hip until last year).
Iowa: Sensible since 2009. Nice big swinging balls, oh courts of Iowa! You do realize that you have to travel a thousand miles in any direction to meet another state that agrees with you, right? And that your northern neighbor threatens to weave hate into their state constitution? Trend. Setter.
Vermont: Sensible since 2009. We knew Ben and Jerry weren’t on a camping trip. Who brings lube on a camping trip?
New Hampshire: Sensible since 2010. Live free or die indeed. Way to say it and spray it.
New York: Sensible since 2011. Come on, the fashion capital of the world couldn’t hold out that long, could it? You heard us, Gay Paris.
Washington: Sensible since pretty much yesterday. The enchanted swoon of this honeymoon could end before it begins. Washington may pull a California, postponing enactment of the law and placing it on a ballot in November, where it’s anticipated to fail.
Washington, D.C: Sensible since 2009. Technically, D.C. should slot between Vermont and New Hampshire, but we knocked ‘em down because they’re not a state. Quiet, oh District! If you don’t like it, tell Eleanor Norton Holmes to vote on it next time—oh wait…
In late breaking news, Maryland’s House of Delegates read our Feb 13th post on the House floor and decided to rule on the side of sense (that’d be the shitmove side of the aisle). The Maryland Marriage Equality Bill passed by a narrow 72 – 67 vote (the 67 Delegates who disagreed with equal rights mostly hail from the corner of the state known as the “Neanderthal Triangle”). Emmett Burnseses asshole puckered as he wept. This week, the bill hits the State Senate, where it’s expected to pass as it did last year. It is then expected to go to a referendum vote in November. While the concept of marriage equality enjoys a slim margin of support among the Maryland voting public, it will be tight. If you live in the Old Line State, get ready to hear some dumbass old line opposition in the coming months. In the meantime, Maryland… you get conditional entrance into the Cool Kid Club. Play it smooth now. Act like you would have been here earlier but Chris Christie threatened to teabag you into tomorrow.
The Briefly/ Nearly Unshitty
California and Maine. Sensible for about four seconds each. Success as fleeting as it was sweet. Just don’t suck Washington and Maryland into your shitstorm.
*Note: 75% of our judges live in shitty states. We’re not picking on your state: It’s picking on itself.*
Ohio. Four letters, three syllables, eights presidents. No fags.
Nebraska. You have to stand out somehow—why not be a Civil Rights leader by being one of the first ten states to sanctify sense and allow adult human beings who love each other to get married?
Rhode Island. You’d make so many conservative fear-mongers happy. They’ve been talking about putting gay people on islands for years.
Pennsylvania. More traffic on your beautiful, historic turnpike from out-of-state wedding guests. More gay sex in the turnpike bathrooms.
Indiana, Missouri, Illinois, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan. Wake us when we get out of the Midwest (respect to Iowa).
Alabama, Arkansas, Missouri, Georgia, any state ending in –lina, Florida, Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia. Wake us up when y’all stop claiming the Confederate Flag stands simply for Southern pride and is not a tribute to racism, violence, and oppression.
Yes, you were listed twice, Missouri. You’re in a bit of what Druncle Hank would call a “turd on both sides” situation. We don’t know if you’re in the Midwest or the South or both. Geographically? You kinda go both ways.
New Jersey. You may be struggling to haul your shit to the curb as we speak, but trash day was yesterday. And Chris Christie… for a big guy you sure can punt the ball down the field.
Arizona, Utah, Colorado and New Mexico. Four corners, not a lick of sense.
Wyoming, Montana, Dakotas North and South. We know you already got your 14 citizens together to vote and decided boys kissing boys was against the Man in the Big Sky, but we’ll cut you a square deal: You round up your best aim, we’ll round up ours and we’ll decide this over a skeet-shooting competition.
Delaware. How about if we can drive the entire length or width of your state in 22 minutes without breaking the speed limit, you stop standing in the way of progress?
West Virginny. Knock it off.
Alaska. Brrr. Sarah Palin. Rawrrrr. This state will legally allow you to marry nature itself but gets all flustered when it comes to sanctifying butt sex.
Hawaii. If you were liberal enough to manufacture a birth certificate for Barack Hussein Obama and keen enough to plant a fake story in the newspaper 51.5 years ago, maybe you can let the perpetual gay honeymooners in your state start having ceremonies there too. Maybe?
Kansas. Aw hells no.
Oklahoma. Isn’t your license plate motto, “Oklahoma is so gay?” What’s up with that?
Texas. Remember the interior designer of the Alamo!
Nevada. “Tip blasting” need not be a term limited to mining methods in the Silver State.
Idaho. You sure is.
Oregon. Holy shit. Let’s just run through a fact or two about Oregon and let our dear readers come up with the joke (seriously, put that funny shit in the comments below). Here goes… State animal: beaver. State beverage: milk. State insect: swallowtail. Snake River gets hard in the winter but remains slightly bent. PAC-10 sounds more like a gay club than a conference. The Columbia Fur District, anyone? Fucking Oregon. Your queer ass is in denial. State morals: confused.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
This all adds up to one shitty country when it comes to marriage equality. Sure, there’re pockets of sense here and there. And sure, there’s a lot to be proud of in America. But reasonable people must experience a slight whiff of cognitive dissonance when it comes to this issue if they are not working to change the current sad state of affairs.
So what can you do? Whether you live in a shitty state or not, you can make some noise (at the very least). If you click here, you can enter your address and find all of your local, state and federal representatives.
Right now, we’re duking it out on a state-by-state level. Of course, there’s a shortcut to all this madness. The White House. Unless and until same-sex marriage is recognized at the Federal level, even couples who enjoy equality in their home state will suffer when filing tax returns and traveling in other states. So at the very least, write your President today (his name’s Barack Obama). Then talk to your friends, join marches and protests that show what America and Americans truly stand for, and send the naysayers to shitmove.com for a strong slap of sense. We’ll go toe-to-toe with any old Joe. At the state and federal level, every single politician should hear from you. And because shitmove.com is interested in making this easy for you, here’s a form letter (Logic 101 ) you can lift language from to send to them. Do it now.
Let’s look forward. Where will we be on the issue of same-sex marriage in five years? Ten? Do you think we’ll have more or less states that have legalized same-sex marriage? We’re betting at least 20 states will have legalized equality by 2020.
Even the most fearful among you (who most certainly are still reading at this point) will have to admit that this change is coming. Because girls have been kissing girls on the teevee since 1997 (much love to true pioneer and real person Ellen DeGeneres). Because your kids are growing up with It Gets Better. And because sense is experiencing a renaissance in the world of rapid social networking (most of this is attributable to shitmove.com, but not all).
We want your picks for which state will be the slowest to sanctify same-sex marriage. For our money, we call Mississippi, who will attempt to legislate love until 2040. Who do you got?