December 12, 2011 2 Comments
A Tale of Two Shitiots: Newt Gingrich and Hank Williams, Jr
Newt Gingrich has popped a pants-tent in recent polls, gaining ground in Iowa, South Carolina and Florida. Even female Democrats are lining up to touch tips with him, hinting at salacious secrets in the wings.
Hank Williams, Jr (aka Druncle Hank), has recently added “Ingenious Political Punditry on Any Fox Affiliate and The View” to his long list of accomplishments, which include buying guns and not barfing for four days consecutive in the summer of 1987 (he was asleep for three of them).
Despite their respective successful passes at politics of late, both men have come under fire for certain “harsh truth” comments they’ve made. Hanky even lost his Monday night football gig, which has driven us all to the internet to get our fix of hootin’ and a-hollerin’.
The recent comments made by these fine gentleman aim at America in general but their specific targets are not the same. Williams has focused his vitriol on President Obama, while Newt’s reserved a substantial amount of his for the poor (with a particular emphasis on poor children).
Our judges suffered these two fools ungladly this week in order to determine whether or not their recent comments can be judged shitmoves.
For the first part of our two-part series, we will train our expert eyes on Druncle Hank.
Now what the heck’d that boy say that’s got people all twisted up? In October, appearing via satellite on the hard-hitting children’s cartoon Fox & Friends, Mr. Williams seemed particularly eager to lambast the PR golf game played between House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) and President Obama. Parting his mighty beard, Williams staved off a burp long enough to point out that the match was “like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu.” For those of you who aren’t aware, Benjamin Netanyahu is the once and current Prime Minister of Israel and Adolf Hitler was an artist most famous for his master work entitled “How to Massacre 6 Million Jews While Possessing Only Your Left Nut.” Williams went on to say that Obama and Vice President Biden were “the 3 stooges” (both of them) and “the enemy” before unplugging his mic to take his hourly mid-morning break (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mid-morning+break).
For the purpose of this post, we are evaluating only the analogy Druncle Hank made about the golf game, due to the fact that it was this comment that made reasonable people everywhere go home and kick their dogs. The other assorted mumblings elicited more laughs than rage (thank you, Fox & Friends, for your consistent contribution to arts, culture and society).
Final vote: By a vote of 90-10, this analogy was not rated a shitmove. Let the record reflect one judge who was otherwise occupied at the time of the vote (singing “All My Rowdy Friends are Coming Over Tonight” in the parking lot while simultaneously weeping and “tail-piping” his Chevy 4X4 is what we mean when we say “otherwise occupied”).
Shitum majorum: No matter how cool or coarse or on-point or stupid you think Hank Williams, Jr is, he simply did not compare Obama to Hitler. You can disagree with him or want to have his babies. Your opinions and emotions about Druncle Hank have nothing to do with your analysis of his analogy.
Let’s walk through it. Williams makes the point that it is bullshit for Obama and Boehner to play golf. Everyone knows they don’t agree, they are not friends, they don’t even play well together… so taking a weekend golf game for the purpose of appearing amiable sucks according to Williams. His analogy succeeds if it positions two figures who are known not to agree with each on the same golf course (while beaming shit-eating grins). He comes up with Hitler and Netanyahu, two men who would not get along if they met and probably wouldn’t last a stroke without murdering each other. Fair enough. Analogy successful. Was it insightful? Maybe, but that’s beside the point. Just because the names Obama and Hitler show up in close proximity to each other doesn’t mean a comparison has been made. And we (most of us) have the ability to know the difference by virtue of our brains.
Reason goes everywhere. It cannot be suspended just because you don’t like the verdict it renders. It should be applied equally to all matters independent of your prejudice. In fact, it should be used to determine what you are for and against in the world. It is an odd but not uncommon shitmove to adopt your views prior to evaluating them. Whether by inheritance or other outside pressures, you cannot substitute crap-ass emotionalism for reason. The world would not progress if we did not apply right and critical logic. The sleep of reason produces monsters and mofos.
We can argue with Druncle Hank about a number of other things. We can take him to task for his graceless wit and hellacious charm. We can criticize him for launching an assault on three of our five basic senses: hearing, sight and smell. But to be in the right, we must use a consistent metric for all matters and admit what it reveals.
Ixnay on the itshay: Ten judges ruled Williams’ analogy a shitmove. Their huffy and muddled points involved a flurry of offense over the fact that the name Hitler was used in any analogy. They tried to make the case that doing so was so inflammatory that reason could and should be reasonably suspended. They blatantly refused to listen to the statement as issued by Williams, claiming that he must be wrong simply because his beard both looks and smells like a dead hooker’s merkin. One judge’s head exploded after she made the analogy that defending Williams was like going down on Hitler. (Note to shitmove staff: find replacement judge for next week and clean unused brains off the conference room wall). The rest of the judges were rewarded with a lifetime subscription to Gretchen Carlson’s Nude Scratch-and-Sniff Pic of the Day Club.
What if everyone made sensible analogies? Holy shit. We didn’t think about the consequences of our verdict. If everyone made sensible analogies all the time, crybabies would only be able to cry about having nothing to cry about. And those tears hurt the worstest.
Shitometer rank: N/A, though the chicken bone in Williams’s beard ranks in the 99th percentile.
Tune in for “A Tale of 2 Shitiots: Part II” due out mid-week wherein we take on intellectual giant and former revisionist history professor Newt Gingrich. Until then, you know what to do to be the coolest ferret in the den: “like” this page, follow via email (upper right of this page), catch us on Twitter @shitmoves and send us your shit to firstname.lastname@example.org.